


Blessed Are The Broken

by IllegalCerebral



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake Character Death, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-08-19 17:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16538753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IllegalCerebral/pseuds/IllegalCerebral
Summary: Emily didn't have a choice when Hotch and JJ faked her death, all she could do was deal with the fallout. JJ believes wholeheartedly they did the right thing, she just didn't realise that the rest of the team wouldn't feel that way. Hotch knew it could potentially tear his team apart but in a moment of desperation his only thought was protecting Emily.The before, during and after of Emily's death from multiple POVs





	1. Emily Before

To say everything hurt was a massive understatement. There was a small part of her that wanted to return to the place before, that cold, dark void which simultaneously stretched out endlessly and pressed down upon her.

Emily hoped Declan was okay. At least then it was all for something, she was absolved or vindicated or…or…

There was a bright light burning into her closed eyes, the hum of machinery and the sound of whispers. Emily knew hospitals well enough to guess where she was.

Pretending to be asleep was easier than facing them. Derek would be furious. Even as he had crouched over her in that warehouse and begged her to hold on, Emily knew he felt her betrayal keenly. 

Would Seaver feel betrayed? Emily had acted like a kind of mentor to the young woman. Would the discovery that another caring figure in her life was carrying a dark secret be too much? 

Garcia wouldn’t understand. A soul like hers couldn’t understand why Emily would choose to face Doyle alone. It wasn’t that Garcia was naive enough to believe that the world was all goodness and light; it was that she belived what little goodness there was could overcome any darkness. The dragon was always slain. 

Reid would understand. Emily didn’t know why she was so sure but she felt it deep inside her bones. Reid would understand and he and Garcia would probably forgive her. 

Rossi she wasn’t sure about. He was old school but during his time with the team Emily knew he had warmed up. He had helped her when Matthew died, been supportive, almost fatherly. Would that make him blame her more or less?

Hotch would feel betrayed but for a different reason than Seaver and his logical mind would understand why she did what she did. He would probably never really trust her again. Loyalty was the virtue he prized above all others.

JJ’s voice cut through the swirling thoughts, calling her name. Finally Emily managed to open her eyes. JJ was smiling and Hotch stood behind her. He wasn’t smiling or frowning. He just looked so defeated.

“You’re going to be okay” said JJ “Everything is going to be okay but I need you to listen to me. We didn’t get Doyle”

_Declan. Please let Declan be okay_

“We’ve made arrangements for you to go into hiding once you’re stable enough to be moved” said Hotch. His voice was a croak.

Emily frowned. even through the pain and the drugs she could tell something was wrong.

“Get some rest” was all Hotch said and then he and JJ were gone, whispering as they left the room.


	2. JJ Before

Hotch had promised JJ he would get her back from the DOJ and when the phone call had first come through about Emily needing her help, JJ thought he had succeeded. Strauss made it abundantly clear though that as soon as this was all over she needed to go back. Back to dust and death and deceit. JJ felt like she was choking the entire time in Afghanistan but it was nothing compared to walking back into Quantico and seeing the hope on her former teammates’ faces. They thought she was going to swoop in, save Emily, catch Doyle and everything would go back to how it was.

It was so naive JJ wanted to laugh.

It would hurt them though. They could never understand what it was like. From the moment she hugged them all and deftly sidestepped their questions about work she was lying to them. She was even lying to Hotch but JJ sensed that he could see the change in her. There was a vein of steel running through her now, it was hard, almost unbreakable and it was what was going to help her do what needed to be done even if the people she loved got hurt.

“She didn’t make it off the table”

Six little words but with them she broke her team’s hearts.

There was no room for guilt. Hotch had given the order and JJ had followed.

Always the good little soldier, said the nagging voice at the back of her head, always doing what you’re told.

That was the job. It was the way things had to be. The whole machine was a complex system wrapped in bureaucracy and no matter how much it sucked, no matter how many people got hurt, anarchy was the only credible alternative. So JJ played the game. As a press liaison she was able to use the media like a weapon, she was adept at getting people to do what she wanted and she was doing the same thing in Afghanistan right now.

Gideon had always thought that profiling was the weapon the team had. He’d never really understood the value of what she did or what Garcia did. That had gotten Elle shot, gotten Spencer beaten within an inch of his life, gotten Derek arrested. JJ had a far lower body count than Jason Gideon.

There were two ways this could go. Either Emily disappeared never to be seen again or at some point they would need to bring her back. JJ knew that if that happened the pain everyone was dealing with now would be a fraction of the devastation once they found out Hotch and JJ lied.

But they’d understand right?

They were smart, professional people so they would get why they did it. 

Emily too. JJ knew that despite the hurt that flashed across her face when they explained the plan to her, Emily would come around.

“You killed me” Emily had repeated over and over until the nurse had given her a sedative. JJ knew it was just the drugs talking. Once Emily was better she’d understand. They would all understand.

Orders are orders.


	3. Hotch Before

Was it when he knew Doyle had gotten away? When he found out Emily had coded in the ambulance? When the doctors told him she was lucky to be alive?

Hotch wasn’t sure. He did know that as soon as he saw the team’s faces when JJ told them she was gone, he regretted doing it almost immediately. Hotch did his best to squash the guilt down. On paper it was the best decision he could make in a horrific situation. In reality he could sense the looming danger from his betrayal being revealed.

In that moment though the only thing that mattered was Emily. Hotch stood like a guard outside the OR. No matter how many nurses and doctors told him to sit in the waiting room, he didn’t budge an inch. When they wheeled her out in her bed Emily had looked so small and pale and bloody that for a moment Hotch thought it was someone else. His Emily wasn’t so fragile she was fierce and loud and bold.

That was it, he would realise later, that was the moment he realised that Emily Prentiss needed to die so she could live.

Hotch wasn’t brave enough to tell the team though. JJ took that job. Her years of working the media meant that she would able to look them all in the eye and tell them Emily was dead. Hotch was sure if he faced them first he would crumble.

He was a coward and he knew it. Not that it mattered. All that mattered was that Emily was safe.

Hotch would do that same thing for each and every one of them. He’d die before he let them get hurt. He’d made that mistake with Elle years ago, then again with Gideon. With Spencer and Derek he had been more present but it wasn’t something that came naturally to him.

The droning sounds of the hospital ricocheted around him. He wanted to sit with Emily a little while longer but he knew that it would be strange if he was absent in the BAU’s time of need. 

Spencer and Garcia looked the worst, clinging on to each other while JJ looked on. Was there a flash or regret in her eyes? No, Hotch must have imagined it.

Rossi held Seaver as the girl sat in shocked silence. His eyes met Hotch’s. _Tell me this isn’t happening._ The bile rose in his throat and just as he turned away a bang echoed around the little waiting room. Derek had sent the trash can sprawling with a vicious kick.

“Morgan” Spencer attempted weakly, his voice thick with tears. Morgan didn’t even look back as he stormed out of the room. Garcia let out a whimper and buried her face in Spencer’s shoulder. He was making a feeble attempt to comfort her but his own crying drowned it out.

Hotch couldn’t stand it anymore. He walked stiffly out of the room before breaking into a run in the corridor and charging into the first bathroom he found.

His throat burned as he clutched the toilet bowl and his head was thumping. Weakly he clambered to the sink, making every effort to avoid his reflection in the mirror as he splashed cold water on his face.

_This is for Emily. It’s all for Emily._

Hotch repeated it over and and over in his head like a prayer. None of this would matter as long as Emily was safe.

But he hadn’t been able to protect her up until now had he?


	4. Emily During

Emily was glad that JJ was able to take her to Paris personally and she was even gladder that they got to use an FBI jet. The overwhelming desire to never set eyes on another human being again was hard to shake and Emily didn’t even want to begin confronting what was making her feel that way. Instead she probed JJ about her DOJ posting and the revelation that she was doing top secret work in Afghanistan.

“Wait, it doesn’t count as treason if you’re telling a dead woman right?” Emily asked as they prepared to land. It put a smile on JJ’s face for the first time in a long time.

“I guess not” said JJ “As long as you don’t tell anyone else it’s all good”

It really isn’t, Emily wanted to yell while also laughing hysterically. This whole situation was beyond the ridiculous and if she didn’t laugh she was going to cry. She was going to howl and rage and tear out her hair because Doyle was free and she was trapped and all she had ever done was serve her country, protect a little boy and try and keep the people she loved most safe.

The next few days were spent in a weird limbo between restlessness and exhaustion as JJ helped Emily get set up in Paris. There was an apartment, a new identity and plenty of cash to be comfortable as well as a discrete doctor and both physical and psychological therapy sessions. Hotch was insistent that all three of them be used to their full extent.

Emily was still bitter that he hadn’t come along too, considering this whole charade was his idea. A small part of her brain wondered if it was because he was angry at her. It was stupid, Emily knew that the job and all the responsibilities that came with it were front and centre in Hotch’s mind at all times and that wouldn’t change because of his feelings. If he wasn’t here then there was a good reason.

Still it nagged at her even as she watched JJ directing the moving guys who were filling up the apartment with furniture, even as they people watched in a little cafe down the street, even as they practiced using Emily’s new name. Finally, the day before JJ was due to return to the US, Emily broached the subject.

“Hotch left” the words tumbled out of her mouth before Emily could stop them “I mean he saw me once in the hospital and never came back. I know the team has cases but I thought he might come with us”

A brief look of disbelief crossed JJ’s face before she suppressed it. nevertheless, Emily had still caught it and she felt a weight in her stomach.

“It’s a stupid thing to ask I know” mumbled Emily. She drummed her fingertips on side of her coffee cup, desperately wishing it was a glass of wine. 

“No” said JJ quickly, “It’s not stupid, you’ve been through an experience most of us couldn’t begin to understand. Of course you crave the stability of having the people you trust round you”

“You should thing about becoming a profiler” grinned Emily.

“Nah, not going to happen” said JJ. Her face grew serious. “I know Hotch wanted to be here. It’s just that he can’t leave the team when they’re mourning”

_When they’re mourning_

“Emily?”

_When they’re mourning_

They thought she was dead. The team buried her. They cried over her grave

“Emily…you okay?”

_When they’re mourning_

Emily knew logically that Hotch would have kept the truth of her survival from the team but she hadn’t really thought about the reality of that. In the back of her mind she hoped that Hotch would explain to the team that she was really alive. They would stay silent but they would hope and if they only knew she was safe. Of course that wasn’t the case. Emily knew that, honestly she did but still this was the first time she had really acknowledged that.

“Emily!” JJ’s voice sounded far away even though as soon as Emily had fallen to the floor, JJ has crashed down to her side.

“Emily I need you to calm down okay? You’re having a panic attack. Take some nice deep breaths, slow your breathing down okay, follow my lead”

For the first time Emily felt as if she had died in that warehouse.


	5. JJ During

It was the fifth night in a row Spencer was sitting on her couch, crying about Emily. The first night JJ expected it, she had always thought of Spencer as more sensitive and vulnerable than the rest of them, the second night wasn’t really a surprise either but then had come the third and fourth nights. Surely he didn’t have any more tears left to shed.

This particular night she came home to find Will pouring Spencer a bourbon in the living room. JJ hovered just out of sight behind the door. Very quickly she had realised she was’t sure what to say to him as he sobbed on her couch. Maybe Will could do better?

“Sorry for this” Spencer mumbled “I keep coming into your home, you and JJ should be spending time together and I just keep-”

“Enough of that” said Will firmly. He took a seat opposite Spencer and paused to take a long sip of whisky. Spencer followed, swallowing a wince as it burned his throat. “You’ve been through something traumatic and that is when families need each other most. You come round here any time, day or night”

“Thanks Will” said Spencer, thickly “That means a lot. I’m….I’m finding it hard to be alone at the moment” Will nodded and let him continue. JJ was itching to go in and say something or to prompt Will to say something but she held back. Spencer had never said anything like that before.

“I’m starting to question what the point of it all is if we can’t keep each other safe” Spencer continued “I mean what right do we have to go out there and save people when we let Emily die?”

“Did you all do everything you could?”

“Of course!”

“Then you didn’t let her die” said Will gently “Emily must have known that at the end. If that were me it would provide a small comfort”

“There are so many things I wish I said” 

“Can you write to her?” asked Will. Spencer looked up in confusion. “When my Daddy died, a friend suggested I write him letters, to get out all the things I wanted to say to him, to tell him how I felt. I was still doing it when you guys came and helped on the copycat Ripper case. I like to think he got the messages in a way. Mostly though it helps to get the words out.”

“That…makes sense” said Spencer “I’m going to try that. Thanks Will.”

Will shrugged and a lopsided smile spread on his face that Spencer mirrored

“Anything for family” said Will.

Something sharp rose up inside JJ but she couldn’t name it. Spencer and Will lapsed into a conversation about work, nothing too heavy this time. Spencer was familiar with the crime statistics for the Metro PD so he could keep up with Will and the types of cases he was working. JJ waited a few more moments before making her entrance.

“Hi guys” she said with as much cheer as she could muster “How’s it going?”

“Hey babe” Will got up and gave he a kiss on the cheek “Henry’s playing upstairs. He’s had his bath and is ready for bed”

“i’m just heading out” said Spencer.

“You don’t want to talk about anything?” asked JJ. The sharpness rose again like there was a shard of glass prodding at her lungs.

“I’m going to have an early night I think but we should have lunch one weekend” said Spencer “Thanks for the drink Will”

“Anytime”

JJ watched Spencer leave in disbelief. When she turned back to Will there was a look on his face she couldn’t read. Not quite disapproving but not sympathetic either.

He knew.

“When they find out, and trust me they will find out, you and Hotch will have a lot to answer for and the pair of you need to be ready for that” said Will.

“How-”

“I’m your husband” said Will simply “I can practically read your mind”

JJ had to stop her hands flying to her stomach. With everything going on in Afghanistan at the moment she wanted to keep that particular secret a little while longer.

“We had to” said JJ.

“I’m sure you did” said Will, draining his glass “Doesn’t mean they won’t be hurt by it though”

“Sometimes we need to make tough decisions for the greater good” said JJ. Nadia’s broken and abused body flashed before her eyes and bile rose in her throat.

“You can leave the state department if you want” said Will gently “I’ll support you”

“Someone tortured and raped the woman who was helping me” said JJ “I need to find out who. Emily has given me an idea and I’ve gotten clearance to interrogate our people off site when I go back next week”

“You’re going back already?” asked Will “So soon after Emily? What about the team”

“They have each other” JJ frowned. Will sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He looked like he was going to say something, the beginnings of an argument were stirring in the air between them.

“Okay” was all he managed to say “I’m going to say goodnight to Henry and then I’m going to bed” He kissed her again and headed upstairs without another word.

JJ stood in the centre of the room, the sharpness in her chest still there, acutely aware on how alone she was.


	6. Hotch During

The grief assessments with the team were harrowing. Hotch knew that he needed to keep an eye on Morgan and Reid in particular. Morgan would turn his anger outwards, almost certainly by going after Doyle singlehandedly if need be while Reid would retreat inwards. Hotch couldn’t risk a repeat of what happened after Tobias Hankel so he kept a close lookout for symptoms of relapse.

Weeks turned into months, the tears dried (or were only shed in the early hours of the morning where they could go unseen and unheard), the anger simmered under the surface and lives were saved and deaths avenged. All except the one that mattered most.

“You don’t want me here” Hotch looked up in surprise. Seaver hadn’t even knocked, she just strode in with a look on her face that Hotch hadn’t seen before. He opened his mouth to speak but she just continued. “You don’t want me or need me. I get it. I get that you’re grieving the loss of an agent, two really if you include Agent Jareau, and I don’t have the experience or expertise typically found in BAU recruits. I get it” she repeated. Hotch didn’t blink. He couldn’t tell where this conversation was going and he really didn’t like that. 

Seaver stared down at him, almost like he was a puzzle she was trying to solve. Rossi always said she was a smart girl. 

A sad girl.

Had he ever actually had a proper conversation with her before this?

“You let me stay on the team because Emily asked you” said Seaver “I don’t know whether you let me stay after she died because of guilt or because it’s what she would have wanted but I know you don’t want me here”

“I…” Hotch’s voice sounded strange to his own ears “That isn’t entirely true”

“But it’s true enough” said Seaver. There was a gentleness to her voice and for a moment Hotch bristled at this attempt at…what? Comfort? Understanding? Conciliation?

“I miss her” Seaver continued “I didn’t know her as well as you but she was kind to me. So kind. She was the only person who ever made me feel like my childhood, my father, was a non-issue.”

“We-”

“Saw it as an opportunity. Either as something to overcome or an asset in the field. Emily just saw me.”

The room was silent for a moment, the calm look on the young woman’s face perturbed Hotch for reasons he couldn’t articulate. He wanted more, needed more. Anger. Sadness. Regret. Bitterness. Part of him wondered if he wanted her to shout and rage at him. Perhaps it would be cleansing for someone to finally turn around and lay into him for the all the mistakes he had made, all the blood that had been split on his watch.

“I’m joining Andy Swan’s unit” there was a note of pride in Seaver’s voice “The trafficking case…that’s where I want to be, what I want to do. The relevant paperwork is already filled in. I just need a signature.”

Seaver left the paper on his desk and was gone from the office as quickly as she had appeared. By the end of the week she was gone from the team. Hotch wasn’t really surprised given the pressure to restructure the team and get people to reapply for their positions or seek something else within the bureau.

It was the eye of the storm. Crisp and cold with a deathly stillness but all around them a vortex was churning up everything he knew. 

Rossi was working on getting JJ back but Spencer hadn’t given an answer about what he wasn’t going to do yet. He was spending every free moment at the firing range while Garcia and Morgan spent hours huddled in his office. Then of course Strauss had broached the idea of an overseas assignment in a way that made it seem like a choice when it really wasn’t. 

Hotch stood, wandering over to the blinds and peering out into the bullpen. No one was in their seats, paperwork was sprawled across the empty desks. Spencer had added a photo of Emily to his desk. Hotch hadn’t noticed before now. 

His heart began to beat faster, there was a tightness in his guts that made him feel like he was going to burst. If they found out…

When they found out.

Morgan wasn’t going to leave Doyle alone. Garcia would always stand with him. Spencer was preparing himself for something, even if he didn’t know what. Rossi was mobilising the troops. They were all waiting for something.

Sooner or later that vortex would come crashing down on them and blow them all away.

They would know what he’d done and they would never forgive him.


	7. Emily After

Things weren’t back to normal by any stretch of the imagination, one night at Rossi’s wasn’t going to magically erase everything that had happened this past year but it was a start. 

Emily watched Spencer carefully. JJ was trying to engage him in conversation and the smiles were there but there was still a strain. Mostly he kept close to Morgan. It made Emily sad, the pair were practically like brother and sister and it was a stark reminder of the damage her death had done to the team.

“Do you want a ride home Emily?” Spencer asked “I drove so...”

JJ had actually brought her and was looking at the pair of them in surprise. Spencer looked intent, rocking on his heels slightly.

“That would be really nice of you, thanks” nodded Emily. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Morgan put a hand on JJ’s shoulder before she could move forward.

The car ride wasn’t as tense or awkward as Emily thought it would be and Spencer was a far better driver than she expected.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry” began Spencer “I don’t want you to think I was angry with you at any point”

“But-”

“Hotch said he made the decision when you were on the table so I’m guessing you didn’t get a say in faking your death”

“No that was an unexpected surprise when I woke up” sighed Emily “I was so concerned you’d hate me for lying about Doyle”

“Now that I understand” said Spencer “ I may not agree but I understand”

“You think Hotch and JJ were wrong?” asked Emily.

“I think we could have hidden the fact you weren’t dead a lot better than Hotch thinks we could” Spencer gripped the steering wheel “I think all of us working on Doyle would have meant he was caught faster and less people would have died. I think I have serious questions about people who can put the people they work with through serious distress and not let it affect them”

“it did affect them” said Emily “I swear to you. JJ told me about you going to her house every night and then spending all those hours at the range. She was really worried”

“She doesn’t understand though does she?” Spencer’s voice was quiet “I mean she didn’t really understand why I was so hurt”

Emily opened then closed her mouth. 

When Spencer had announced that he had considered taking dilaudid again in the station Emily’s blood had frozen in her veins. Even the possibility of Spencer using again terrified her. No one had supported him the first time round and with everything going on a small part of her doubted that anyone would step up this time. The frown on JJ’s face, the small ‘but you didn’t’, had re-enforced that. It had never even crossed JJ’s mind he might try that. Not her little brother, not the man she felt she had to take care of. 

“If you had started using again and they’d told me, I would have been on the first flight back. Screw Doyle” said Emily.

“Emily”

“I mean it. I was pissed in the first place but I got it, I got why they thought it was the best thing and by the time I woke up they’d already put things in place so I went along with it. But I swear to god if I heard you were taking drugs again nothing would have stopped me coming home”

The silence between them was heavy as Spencer pulled up outside Emily’s house.

“Thank you but I didn’t mean it like that when I said it to JJ” said Spencer “It’s not something for me to hold over you guys”

“Do you still go to meetings?”

“Whenever I can”

“And the headaches”

“Still no cause but I’m working on it. I’m getting in touch with experts: neurologists, geneticists and other specialists” said Spencer “I’ve heard back from a couple already who have taken a look at my brain scans.”

“Does anyone on the team know?”

Spencer paused and stared at the wheel, his face drawn into a frown.

“I don’t feel like I can trust them with this”

“Oh Spencer”

“Not because of you! I mean, not just because of what happened with you” Spencer sighed “I’ll figure it out”

“Take it from someone who knows” said Emily “Sometimes it’s better to share your secrets”

“I shared them with you”

Emily swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She had no way of answering that. Instead she said goodnight and paused on her doorstep as Spencer drove away.


	8. JJ After

“I’m glad we’re doing girls’ nights again” said Garcia, taking a swig of the lurid pink drink “Don’t get me wrong, I love our boys but this right here is sacred”

“It’s just a shame Emily is busy” said JJ

“Coming back from the dead entails more paperwork that you might but fear not mama bear we will have a drink in her honour!”

They ended up having more than just one and by the time the woman behind the bar was calling last orders they weren’t in any fit state to make their own way home. They ended up getting a cab back to Garcia’s.

“Reid is babysitting on his own tonight” said JJ, slumping on the couch “I should, I should check in. Shit where’s my phone?” She fumbled around a little before crashing to the floor, Garcia laughing so hard she joined her.

“Here it is” said JJ happily once they both caught their breath “I was laying on it”

“I’m so glad you and boy wonder are friends again”

“Yeah”

“What was that?” Garcia rolled over so she was nose to nose with JJ “That wasn’t an agreeing yes that was a “I wanna stop talking about this” yeah”. Spill”

JJ blinked, she was starting to go cross-eyed due to Garcia’s closeness but there was nowhere to move.

“I just meant…yeah…you know? We are better, we are, we’re friends again but…” there was a lump in her throat “It’s not the same as it was” Garcia rolled back on to the back and for a moment they lay side by side looking up at the plastic stars that Garcia had stuck all over her ceiling, faintly glowing in the dim light.

“But…you knew when this whole thing started that it changed everything right?” whispered Garcia. 

“I…yeah we knew but that doesn’t mean…I thought…” JJ didn’t know what she thought. She thought coming back would be the answer. She thought she left the pain in Afghanistan. She thought if the team was back together they would heal and be stronger. She thought that through sheer force of will alone she could rewrite everything that happened over the past year because that is what she did, she controlled the narrative, she bent people to her will. 

“I go into the FBI files and double check every single piece of information Hotch gives us”

JJ sat up.

“You what?”

“Every time Hotch delivers a briefing or sends a memo or gives me a file I run it through every algorithm I have to check it’s authenticity” said Garcia. She was still lying on the floor but her face was calm, no hint of shame or remorse.

“You think he’s lying to you?” JJ spluttered.

“I know he probably isn’t” said Garcia “i know that Emily was a special circumstance…but there’s this nagging thought at the back of my head every time he speaks that just pushes me to wonder is he telling me the truth or is this another way he’s protecting us?”

No, not Garcia. Morgan’s anger she could understand though it had never erupted beyond his initial shock, Reid’s anger had been obvious but easy to deal with, Rossi…well actually JJ had expected Rossi to be pissed but Hotch seemed to think that Rossi had worked out what had happened long ago. Their anger, whether or not JJ understood it, seemed organic or rooted in reality. Garcia being angry over the deception just felt unnatural.

“You need to stop doing that” the words were out of JJ’s mouth before she could stop herself and she hated the way she used her mother voice like she did when Henry was misbehaving “It was a one off. I promise”

“I know” Garcia closed her eyes “Logically that all makes sense but it’s going to take time”

Clambering gracelessly to her feet,  Garcia smoothed down her hair and wiped away tears that JJ hadn’t seen falling.

“I’ll you in the morning Jayge, sleep well”

“…sleep well Penelope”


	9. Hotch After

It was like standing on the edge of a cliff knowing that the ground is going to give way beneath your feet. You can see the rough, jagged rocks below and you know any minute now you will hurtle down towards them and be buried by the remains of the cliff. 

At first Hotch thought it would be Reid who pushed him over. During the Oklahoma case, Hotch had paired him and JJ together in the hope that Reid would get over his resentment but instead he’d exploded at the police station.

_What if I had started taking Dilaudid again? Would you have let me?_

Of course Reid hadn’t been mad about missing their micro expressions. The one thing Reid was never worried about was not getting something. Hotch knew that what he feared more than anything else was being vulnerable. Afraid. Alone. That’s what they had done when they’d frozen the team out. The others got it. Derek and Morgan both had a little bit of the lone wolf in them, Penelope could find comfort in the darkest of places through her love for others but Reid needed his family. 

Would he have made the call if he though Reid was using again? Probably not. It felt sickening to admit it but there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to ensure Emily’s safety and in a dark way he knew Reid knew that. 

Reid was getting better though but that feeling wouldn’t leave Hotch. The feeling of the world pressing in, catching on all his rough edges.

It would be Morgan he decided. Morgan would be the one. He thought back to after Kate Joyner had died in New York, he’d told Morgan he should trust him, trust the team and yet...

Hotch had betrayed that trust. Every time he closed his eyes he could see the anguish on Morgan’s face as Emily walked in that room. The hurt was palpable. He’d done that. Not Emily, not JJ, him.

Every case he waited, every long night at the office he waited, every paperwork day or ride on the jet he waited for Morgan to tear into him. To demand to know why he asked so much of them while putting them through stuff like that. Why did he require their loyalty and their trust absolutely but give them none in return?

“Hey” 

This was it. The rest of the team had gone for the night and he and Morgan were the only two left in the office. This was it.

“Come in” said Hotch calmly. The door was shut. No one would hear the shouts. It was almost a relief to-

“Do you need to talk?”

_What is this?_

“Not in a therapy kind of way or a...I know you’re my boss not a drinking buddy but...oh jeez Hotch” Morgan paused and took a deep breath. 

Hotch could feel a nerve in his cheek twitching. 

“We’re fine” said Morgan “The team I mean, at least so far as the whole Emily thing goes. We’re fine.”

“Good” said Hotch

“What I’m asking is whether you’re fine”

“I...yes”

“Because we know how much of a burden it must have been for you” Morgan continued “If I was profiling you, which I’m not of course because that’s not allowed, I would say that a large part of your identity is tied up in being a protector. It’s why you’re such a good agent. That’s what drove you when you faked Emily’s death. You protected her from Doyle but it meant you needed to hurt the rest of us to do it and I know that runs counter to everything you believe in”

He paused for a moment. Hotch wanted to speak, to protest, to argue but he couldn’t get his mouth to move.

“You did the right thing” said Morgan “It was the hard choice but the right one but I know you’re probably torturing yourself over it so I just wanna say if you need to talk or anything I’m here. I know Rossi is your go-to guy for this, and his booze is more expensive than mine but I can offer you a sledgehammer and some thick walls to break down. I swear to you it does the world of good”

Morgan got to his feet and after the briefest of pauses held out his hand to Hotch who stared at it for a moment before taking it in a firm shake. Then Morgan was gone.

Hotch waited a moment then slowly laid his head down on the desk, eyes closed as he took some deep steadying breaths.

_It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay._

Did that hurt? Did he want Morgan to come in here shouting and screaming, confirming he was a terrible person? 

Yeah maybe. At least it would justify all the guilt and self loathing that had been gnawing at him since the hospital.

_You can’t live like this Aaron._

He sat up. It was true. Haley had told him that once long ago. It was a tough thing to admit but he couldn’t carry the team all on his own. No matter how much he wanted to.

He took a step back from the cliff. It was hard but he kept stepping back and back away from the edge, away from certain doom. Step by step he retreated until a few weekends later his steps took him to a derelict house in an up and coming part of town. As he rang the doorbell he felt kind of nauseous until Morgan opened the door and the bemused look on his face turned into a grin.

“Need an extra pair of hands?” Hotch asked awkwardly.

“Always boss”

**Author's Note:**

> If you like my stuff feel free to come by my tumblr [Illegal Cerebral ](https://illegalcerebral.tumblr.com) . I am always up for a chat!


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